FACTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

I Survived Heartbreak
Help Me To Survive
So i'm not exactly sure who reads these things; i'm just hoping that there's someone, anyone out there who will maybe read this and give me some advice. I'm young, just out of high school. I understand that young love is rarely ever serious, promising, or permanent, however it's almost impossible to tell that to a teenage girl and have her actually listen to you. This past year, i've felt and experienced the most incredible and amazing feeling that i've ever known-i feel in love. He was one of those nerdy-type boys. The ones that steal your heart with their sweetness and emotions. I had never really been in a lasting or serious relationship before, but he was so adamant about being with me that i figure why not? i'll give it a try. To my surprise, we ended up lasting an entire year. (trust me, that's a lot for high school) i had never been so close to someone in my life. we did everything together and i could talk to him about anything. Slowly but surely, i trusted him. I felt so stable with him that i knew no matter how much the fight, we would always pull through because we both knew we loved each other way too much to give up. Unfortunately, he picked up an old habit of smoking marijuana. It started out just a few times here and there, but eventually, it became a problem. He would lie to me about when he was doing it and when he wasn't. I asked him to not, just because i was unaccustomed to that and felt like it was very wrong. The more he smoked, the less he cared. There were nights i felt sick to my stomach just feeling him slip away. It reached a point where i felt like strangers. We would sit on the phone and not say a word. Almost like we had nothing to talk about anymore. Every now and then, we would have conversations about how we both just needed to change things and that he loved me more than anything and i should never doubt that and just know that the weed wasn't effecting him. I tried to ignore everything and believe him, but actions speak louder than words. It got so bad, i would see him maybe once or twice a week if i was lucky. Mind you, he's my immediate neighbor. I can't say that i'm a complete angel, however. I, too, made many mistakes. In attempts to fill the void he left me with, i became very close to other males; which included secret hang outs, constant texting. However, i always knew my limits. i knew that when it came down to it, i loved my boyfriend more than anything in the world, and i would never jeopardize our relationship. Unfortunately, just a week short of our one year anniversary, we broke up. at first i was sad. as time went by, i was feeling better. thinking, ''maybe this was for the best.'' It wasn't until i heard that he had moved on just a month after our break up that i lost it. i spent weeks sobbing in my room. i sunk into a deep depression; just thinking about every memory we had together and how he could just throw it all away and forget about it. We eventually lost contact and stopped talking. About a month later, he contacted me via text message trying to clear the air and apologizing. Little did he know, i had spent the entire last month devastated and broken. Stupidly and reluctantly, i accepted his apology. We began hanging out and hooking up again. The reason for this is because i missed him so much, that just having a peice of him felt better for me than having no part of him at all. To this day, i can't look at him and not tear up thinking about everything that's happened between us. I miss him more and more each day. However, it is slowly becoming apparent that I will never get him back, and he was no interest in me. My only question is, how is it possible for two people to be so deeply in love and just let it all go? I understand that i'm not the only one going through this and there are millions of people, men and women, who are suffering from heartbreak as i'm typing this, but why? why do things seem so unfair? I feel like if i gave him my heart and soul and loved him with every fiber of my being and so did he, how did he let it all go? With each passing day, i feel like a soulless zombie just walking around with no direction, no meaning, no purpose. i look at myself and feel so ugly. so hurt. i constantly think about the situation and wish that one day i could wake up and have this all be a dream. how do i get better? how do i move on? I hear so many people's advice, but it all just sounds so generic. i need someone who's actually gone through this to help me. because my heart aches more than i have ever possibly known. someone, please; help me. :(